There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
