I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
