are you so shy because you have an std?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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