I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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