eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
