You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
