why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
