I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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