Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
