Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
