I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
