Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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