Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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