he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dicks are not precious.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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