My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
