i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
