she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
