I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
