Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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