tell your sister to shave her snatch
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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