Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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