I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize