I wanna bring you to show and tell
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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