Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
