Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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