Your mouth is God's brothel.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
