my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just pee around me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
