My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
