i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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