woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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