My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize