...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
