dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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