ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
