My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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