this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
