to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize