the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
