Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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