def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
