Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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