for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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