Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
