I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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