No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
