also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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