I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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