Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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