The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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