I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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