im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
