I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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