If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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