I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
