someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
