it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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