we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We are two peas in an std pod
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
