I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
