the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
