I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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