so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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