Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
