I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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