i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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