We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
