She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
