Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize