Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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