So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Let's paint friendship bongs
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize