I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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