I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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