I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
