If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
