On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
