your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
