I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
